Not too long ago, a war was declared between the two hemispheres of my brain. I was in the middle of my first semester in my fourth year of university. I had passion for my degree (and still do)and as a consequence, my creative passions had been suppressed. It was at this time that my creative self decided to arm an attack, to advance in full force from the back line of my younger years, declaring its feverish presence. The battle began. Study, create, study, CREATE etc. This carried on and got to the point where study became an inconvenience and a hinderance. As soon as I began to tackle academia my energy levels depleted rapidly, I felt burdened. When I managed to finish one task, relief was only briefly experienced before I had to tackle yet another. It was grueling to say the least.It just wasn't enjoyable anymore. My heart for this venture had abandoned ship. However, when it came to something creative, I had boundless energy, in fact, it was a source of energy. When I completed a project, I felt satisfied, ecstatic, stimulated, wanting more. It was clear who the winner was. Once the decision was made, I felt light, giddy, giggling like a child. My spark was coming back.
So, I deferred my studies. Somehow I managed to claw my way through my final studies and now I have been 'free' for four whole days. In this short space of time, another war has begun. The weapon selected: the double-edged sword of uncertainty. There is no doubt in my mind, body or spirit that I have made the right decision. Yet the programming of study is threatening to sabotage my sense of freedom. I told myself to set no goals, to avoid unnecessary application of pressure upon myself to be of a certain standard at a certain time. This leaves me with no ground, no baseline to show my progression. I now find myself feeling impatient, already! I want to be somewhere, have some form of establishment, right now! However, I also know that this is going to take time. I want to get started, to charge ahead but there is no where to charge to. I am constantly confused but filled with so much anticipation for what will eventuate. I could do anything, I just have to allow myself the time to flow along, take as many opportunities as I can before my path can be highlighted. I have to keep reminding myself to relax, ordering my mind to slow down so my body and spirit can breathe, refresh and catch up.
So here it begins.
I know what I'm doing but don't know either.
I love it, I hate it.
I'm excited and I'm daunted.
I know I can do it but I'm filled with doubt.
My mentality is sorted, yet scrambled.
I'm filled with innumerable internal conflicts and when I balance one (or a few if I'm lucky) a collective go askew or even catapult into obscurity.
I have ended one war only to start another of epic proportions.
Fuck.
Yay!
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Hahaha! Love it Tania. I see you at an intersection with a thousand roads to take, waiting for the green man to tell you when to walk. I say, fuck that green man**, and run like the dickens. Once you start walking you can still change direction, even if it's back to the crossroads you started. You'll just have another road to choose from and is that not better than waiting in the same place? To be a total wanker I quote one of my favourite sayings from White Oleander "the phoenix must burn to emerge."***
ReplyDelete**treat strictly as analogy. Under no circumstances should you 'fuck that green man' in the event of oncoming traffic.
***Do not set yourself on fire.
PS- Check your inbox in 10...xx
Hey babe,
ReplyDeleteAin't yo momma, but been there, not yet done. Never done. Because it is an endless road. You change, everything changes. And above all there won't be a final destination. Just the road, yes.
All choices, and too much of it can suffocate you. I know. Don't drive too fast though, take some time to not only look at the view but try too see it.
"Driving tired is one of the most common causes of serious accidents in Australia."
So you better take some rest now and then, and pick some beautiful flowers along the road. Or a gorgeous hitchhiker. Or two =) Whichever.
At least the spark is coming back, and that's what counts! Keep on listening and feed this spark =)
Love you and see you hopefully soon!
x Simone.