My desires, I have come to realise, are also my fears. What a bitch.
It seems to me, in order to get what you want you have to be confronted by, surrender and let go of all fears. This problem is maximised by the additional confrontation, surrendering and letting go of ideals necessary to overcome these fears, in order to experience your desires unhindered. This a battle of self. One declared at any stage of potential progression.
When confronted I tend to shut my eyes, block my ears and sing 'la la la la la'. I fight. I fight really damn hard. My unhealthy friendship with denial grants me blissful ignorance, a pseudo strength. I just seem to keep resisting until the confrontation is so great that I am literally forced to my knees and made to surrender to the inevitable. Or, if I have enough reason or feeling to run on impulse, I might be fortunate to bypass this kind of pressure all together. I'm a girl who needs a bone, something to work with so my intuition can kick in rather than leaving my mind weaving some elaborate plan, which is ultimately doomed to fail as it's not designed for the moment I might find myself in. Back in the day alcohol and drugs would be the answer to taking down the inhibitions because everything felt greeeaat! However, most of the time these views were too exaggerated or simply not taken seriously. This then could be used as an excuse to back track but the foot prints of this venture would remain. Today, I'm sober. In the absence of courage I must rely on adrenaline-fueled impulse, strong support and being in the moment to overcome these fears. A period of silence is also required so that I have time to be honest with myself, to dismiss my denial and to simply grow a pair to speak my truths.
When confronted I tend to shut my eyes, block my ears and sing 'la la la la la'. I fight. I fight really damn hard. My unhealthy friendship with denial grants me blissful ignorance, a pseudo strength. I just seem to keep resisting until the confrontation is so great that I am literally forced to my knees and made to surrender to the inevitable. Or, if I have enough reason or feeling to run on impulse, I might be fortunate to bypass this kind of pressure all together. I'm a girl who needs a bone, something to work with so my intuition can kick in rather than leaving my mind weaving some elaborate plan, which is ultimately doomed to fail as it's not designed for the moment I might find myself in. Back in the day alcohol and drugs would be the answer to taking down the inhibitions because everything felt greeeaat! However, most of the time these views were too exaggerated or simply not taken seriously. This then could be used as an excuse to back track but the foot prints of this venture would remain. Today, I'm sober. In the absence of courage I must rely on adrenaline-fueled impulse, strong support and being in the moment to overcome these fears. A period of silence is also required so that I have time to be honest with myself, to dismiss my denial and to simply grow a pair to speak my truths.
The fear is terrifying. It summons doubt and slows me down. As ugly an emotion it is, it really is an ingenious indicator to the strength of your desire. So here is my gage: When petrified and I'm still stepping closer to the desire, its going to be well worth it. If I'm standing still terrified, then there is a question mark. This means a time of silence or heightened awareness is needed. If I'm running away and hiding, then I am simply not ready.
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